What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
