Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
