That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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