My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
