Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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