did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
