Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
