I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
