Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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