Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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