I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
