At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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