remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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