I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
