I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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