When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize