No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
