that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
