I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
