I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
