Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
