member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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