I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
