we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
