Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize