How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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