Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
