I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
