there's paper in my vomit.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
