Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
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