Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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