dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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