Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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