winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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