were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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