You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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