my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
