I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
