Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My vagina is very pro this idea
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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