why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
