my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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