At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
