I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
