i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
