I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize