I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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