Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
