the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Randomize
