hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
