So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
