I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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