3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
