I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize