i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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