Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
