Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
