mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
