I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
