I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
