I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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