So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
