I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
