Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
