my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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