I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
