Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
