she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
