it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Did I show you my penis last night?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
