I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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