Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
