I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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